I used to be fit….

Circa Spring 2008 ~ Even this piece of fabric can't hide my small frame!

AND FABULOUS!!!!

Circa Fall 2007 ~ Sexy in a show

Throughout my entire chubby life I miraculously maintained a healthy weight and at times SMALL frame for 3 years. This was a time when I was somehow able to eat normal sized healthy meals, cut out junk food, exercise regularly and still allow myself some drinks or yummy desserts and I usually kept my weight around 137 (I’m 5’4″) where most of my teenage and early 20’s life was between 145ish-155ish.

My whole life I was on a lot of different “diets” and had bouts with some exercise (which I usually hate doing). In Summer 2006 I made it a point to get into shape and got down to 132 pounds! By far the smallest I had ever been (a couple days I actually hit 130).

Summer 2006 ~ OMG 132

I felt great and of course still thought I could lose a few more pounds…haha. In Fall 2006 I had some life changes which caused me to gain a little weight back, I probably hovered around 137, my safe weight. At this time I was still eating correct portions and exercising yet gave myself splurges regularly (aka bottles of cheap sparkling wine and baked goods). In Fall of 2007 I went to grad school feeling as fabulous as always. I was happy and stuck to both my diet and exercise routines with splurges and maintained 137 UNTIL Fall of 2008….

In Fall of 2008 I was STRESSED TO THE MAX. I was graduating in May 2009 with my MFA in performing arts and everything important that needed to be done in relation to the degree happened in the Fall 2008 quarter. I started the school year  August 17th, 2008 off strong by focusing on school and fitness. I was extremely dedicated to my fitness and eating at this time so when the quarter started around a month later I didn’t know what hit me. Suddenly, I was drained with stress… I exercised less, ate less and lived off coffee and minimal foods. I was the thinnest I’d ever been (at around 130) and felt hot but also knew I had done it the unhealthy way.

Circa Halloween 2008 ~ Prime of my thin time

Circa October 2008 ~ Teenie Tiny

As soon as the quarter was over and it was Holiday time… I remember eating a lot more. I guess I needed to make up for lost time!!! I went home for 2 weeks for Christmas and remember eating A LOT of Christmas cookies which I believe began my descent to my current weight issues. I probably gained a little bit of weight but in Spring of 2009 when my entire cohort had to relocate from Savannah, GA to Atlanta, GA for our last quarter I really started letting loose. I had finished all major work and felt like I was finally free, except for a couple classes. I just remember going out and eating A LOT. Even though I was trying to watch a little of what I ate my sugar addiction started to get really bad and I had no urge to exercise at all.

Circa April/May 2009 ~ Posing to look thin

I thought I had gained SO MUCH weight. Of course in reality I looked pretty good. It didn’t last forever! Graduation came and my future was uncertain. Luckily, I got cast in a show in Atlanta. Before heading back down to Atlanta from Upstate NY I started reading Skinny Bitch and various other books regarding veganism. I was then gung ho about being a vegan. I stopped eating meat August 2009 (also giving up Splenda…which I loved so dearly). I was concerned about chemicals and killing animals for food. Well,  I moved to Atlanta to do a high-energy musical and tried to eat vegan … then vegetarian for the 2 months I was there and still was over exercising… (except for the walk/runs I would do some days) and started to gain weight.

Circa September/October 2009 ~ Backstage at HAIR

When the show ended my major depression hit. I had to move back home to upstate NY with my parents at the end of October. I also had to buy new jeans… because my size 6’s weren’t fitting that well… Up to an 8 I went and basically maintained for the rest of the year…..

Circa September 2010 ~ Me busting out all over with my gorgeous friend Jen.

I was depressed about moving home, having a grad degree and not being able to use it, having a million dollars in student loans to pay… frustrating. I had the best intentions but was unmotivated. I decided to move to LA.

December 27, 2010 I drove across the country with my sister… and got there in about 7 days. I was extremely sad to leave my hometown, my shelter.. it was weird. I had never felt like that leaving before. I arrived in LA and stayed about a week. I had to make a decision and my decision was that it wasn’t right for me at the time. So…. I drove back home to NY in my usual dramatic fashion. I had thought I hit rock bottom before… but this was truly the worst. My depression, embarrassment, confusion, was crazy. I didn’t know who I was anymore and sometimes still don’t. I didn’t know what to do… so I decided that I needed to move to Atlanta, where I am today. I’m happy that I am here but it hasn’t been easy. My sister came with me and we arrived in February 2011. I had gained a lot of weight by then and I think a little more since then.

This is where my new chapter begins.

Circa April 2011 ~ Disgusted at myself but LOVE my friend Michelle!!!

I have really let this get OUT OF HAND. Something in my head is really fucking with me. I loved feeling Fabulous as well as feeling  Fit… and now I feel gross and not like the me I know at all.

Here I am now. The last time I checked I THINK the scale said… 158-160… I’m not weighing myself again until I feel better. In June/July 2011 I was actually sticking to a pretty great Turbo Fire/strength routine for about a month and then that went to shit when I got a boyfriend.

I am ready to regain my fitness and my fabulousness!!!

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